Sunday, sweet Sunday ... maybe?

It's kinda funny ... not in a haha sense, but in a "smack myself on my forehead" sense ... if that even makes any sense. sigh

Okay, so being an independent single woman is awesome! I love that I can have quiet when I want it and loud when I need it and that I'm able to take care of myself. BUT! it seems that on the days (well mostly Sundays) I get a feeling of sadness and loneliness. I suppose it's because I'm surrounded by people 6 days a week and then on Sunday I'm left alone with my thoughts.

My thoughts used to comfort me and I loved spending time with them. I think I'm over it now. I may need more sleep and relax time, but I want to be among other people ... I want to have "social hour" again like I used to back in the day.

I'm pretty sure that what I'd really like to do is to find my penguin. (listen to Christina Perri's "Penguin" song and you'll understand what I mean)

But now I'll go back to laying in my bed on this chilly Sunday afternoon and watch movies and tv shows on my laptop as I hear birds and traffic noises as they flow in through the window.

Wordless Wednesday

Me? Inspire?! ... okay!

I've been posting lately about my weekly running schedule and have received tons of encouragement from friends and family.  And then there are those that say they've gone out for some exercise and said that I inspired them to get out there.  Wow!  That's a great compliment!  I've always been the quiet one (some of you may say otherwise) and it's true.  Unless I'm with certain people, I am typically the wallflower.  I don't see myself as a leader of any sorts or one to inspire others to do things.  It brings tears to my eyes to be told otherwise. 

I hope everyone can inspire someone to do or be something great!

have to say goodbye ... hopefully for the last time

I was rereading some of my entries from last year and discovered one where I talked about needing to say goodbye to certain people that weren't the best for me to have communication with.  As hard as it is, it had to happen.  Well, I'm sad to say that they weasled their way back into my life and must have caught me at my weakest and most vulnerable because I let them.  But today I said goodbye and really meant it.  I don't regret this as I know its the right thing to do.

Sigh

am I not allowed?!

Am I not allowed to be sad once in awhile?  And yes, when I'm sad I'll say things that I'm feeling that moment, but no, I'm not depressed.  In fact, I love my life!  I have a great job, great friends, and I get out of bed everyday and take care of what I need to take care of.  I go through times of being sad and sorrowful, and this can be from a number of things: inner turmoil/struggles, exhaustion, situations that occur, etc.  It can be anything!  At this particular time I'm going through several things that some I've written about, but others I'm not telling a soul cause it's for me to know and no one else to find out.  Yes, I'm selfish that way.  I don't like to share EVERYTHING ... sigh.

I'm thinking it's time to shut down social sites for awhile.  Those that need to get a hold of me know how to outside of websites such as Facebook, Plurk or Twitter.

So, I repeat ... I'm not depressed!  I'm just sad ... mur

silence

I yell out but no one hears me. I scream but no one hushes me. I cry but no one wipes away my tears. I feel pain but no one comforts me. I sit alone in solitude watching the world go by as I hide from it. Not allowing for my yells or screams or tears to be seen and heard. It's been easier that way but definitely lonely.

I say these things not to upset and frustrate, but to step out of my box and give a quiet "help". I retreat back behind my wall hoping no one heard as I would not want to disappoint those that do care.

Silence is all around me. Silence is ...

Lame

Sometimes I do or say something that is so lame, even for me. Why do I do this?! It's then followed by me smacking and kicking myself. Grow up, Holly. You're not THAT funny. geesh

Road Trip - Part 3

Home. Home is good and that is where I am right this moment. The trip to Southern Oregon and I'm sad to say, I'm glad for it.

*Mom, I love visiting with you and catching up, but the trips to G & G's are just so emotionally draining and tough! I have so much respect for you and admire your strength to live everyday and hour in that situation*

My aunt and I left around 10:30 this morning after careful research and discussion as to the best route home. It seems the entire State of Oregon dropped 10 degrees over the weekend causing the mountain we drove over on Friday was having snow flurries and 30 to 40 degree temps. We finally decided that the way we came was the way we would return. Even after our near miss with the semi, my aunt came to the conclusion that if you fall off a horse, you got get right back on.

We went back over to the house to say our goodbyes and make a quick lunch for us to eat during the drive. Hugs all around and grandma shed a few tears, but I promised to come back and asked her to take care of my mom for me. And off we went.

This trip home we listened to the audiobook we started on Friday and really enjoyed it! I'm gonna have to find it at my library so I can finish it. It's called "Traveling with Pomegranates" and is a true story about mothers and daughters (perfect for a Mother's Day weekend). It is actually written by a mother and daughter and the mom also wrote "The Secret Life of Bees", and she even talked about how she got the inspiration for the book. I could relate completely with the daughter, which made me want to keep listening.

We saw quite a few creatures this time, including a lonely coyote just meandering the highway like he wasn't sure what was going on. To me he looked little sad and I hope he finds a partner and is joyous once again. Even coyotes should have a friend to hang out with. I thought I saw a beaver on the side of the road at one point, but it could've been some sort of woodchuck. Oh and we saw turkey vultures eating something they found dead on the side of the road. I hope it wasn't the coyote's friend :-(

So, remember the first part of this road trip? How we were run off the road by a distracted semi? Well, instead of a semi it was 3 deer and 3 other cars! We were getting closer to Bend (our halfway mark) and there was some construction on the road which made the left lane merge into the right and caused everyone to slow down (thankfully). We were in the left lane trying to merge over and for some reason the car in the right lane behind us was not letting us in. So my aunt slowed down even more and then realized that the cars in front were slowing down considerably fast! We swerved a little and saw a deer peak out and walk in front of the front cars ... then a second deer followed ... and then a third! No one got hurt and the deers made it safely to the center grassy area of the highway...crisis averted! whew!

We stopped in Bend for some Starbucks, ate our lunch and continued towards the mountain which had some blue sky around it, but also some angry clouds. As we got closer it started raining quite a bit and on the mountain it snowed for a moment. But, we made it through and over all of it and my aunt dropped me off at my place. I got inside, hugged my kitties, and unpacked.

My daily routine will start again tomorrow at 4:30 a.m. when I wake up for work, and part of me is relieved, but a small part of me wishes I could sleep in and just be for a full day.

Hope you enjoyed this road trip adventure! Thanks to my Aunt Barbara for driving and letting me tag along. I had a great time talking and catching up with you!

Till the next trip ...

Road Trip - Part 2

Even though today didn't involve too much, I'm exhausted! Woke up this morning at about 7, got ready, had some breakfast and then set off for the grandparent's house. Soon after arriving, mom and I went to one of the local high school tracks so I could get my magic mile done. I did the proper warm-ups and halfway through the actual timed portion I wondered why my head was throbbing and it was tough to breathe. I then realized that this town is at 4,000 feet ... yeah, Portland is under a 1,000 feet, so that was affecting me. BUT! Thanks to the weekly track sessions which have me running at a faster pace, I beat my last magic mile by more than 20 seconds! I was shocked! ... and really excited. It's those moments that help me stay motivated and want to just run, run, run!
When we got back to the house my mom and aunt left to go walk the Veteran's Memorial in town and go on a few trails to do some bird watching. I stayed behind and watched tv while my grandparents napped. It was very quiet and nice.
Nothing else exciting really happened. My grandma remembered who I was most of the time and even after falling asleep she talked in her sleep and said "thank you, Holly". That brought a tear to my eye! My grandpa tried to pack a bag of his banks he wanted to give me, but couldn't find the keys to them, so I "lucked" out.
Now my aunt and I are back at the hotel, it's 8:05 pm and so tired that she is now asleep and I'm about to do the same.
We leave for home mid-morning tomorrow and I'm eager to see my kitties and sleep in my own bed ... and get back to my routine. I've developed one and been at it for so long that at times it's tough to alter it.
Hopefully the drive home will be uneventful!

Road Trip - Part 1

Here's what has happened so far: worked from 6:30 am till noon, got home and finished cleaning, aunt showed up and started heading south...driving, talking, more driving, listening to book on tape, driving driving driving, talking and laughing, driv...OMG! there's a semi heading straight for us!!!! AAAAACCCKKKK!!!!! Hearts pounding, more driving and talking and FINALLY arriving at my grandparents!
Okay, the day doesn't stop there and continues to get even longer, but let me back up a bit...
It started out as a pleasant drive. My aunt had never traveled on HWY 26 to Southern Oregon, but it's my favorite route. Anyways, we are talking and catching up on what's going on and at one point listen to a book on CD she brought, but that lasted for about a half hour and we just kept talking. By the way, this drive is 5 hours!
So we are in the home stretch of reaching our destination...just about an hour left when all of a sudden we both notice that a semi heading in the opposite direction is starting to weave into our lane. My aunt begins to move towards the shoulder of the road, but he's got quite a bit of truck in our space and we're afraid we are gonna hit his back end cause at this point the driver realizes what he's done and is maneuvering himself back into his lane. BUT because he's a big semi and we are in a small car, the wind he created with the weaving, causes my aunt to somewhat lose control of the car and is frantically trying to make the car go straight, but the steering wheel is just going back and forth at a rapid rate. Finally the wind dies down and we are safe in our lane and the semi is far behind us. Have I mentioned that it's one lane only traveling in either direction? Yeah...so we were and still a little bit shaken up from that.
We arrive at my grandparents and my grandpa greeted us at the door but didn't seem too happy. He asked if someone knew we were coming down here. Yeeeessss....my mother knew as well as my uncle. "well", he says, "nobody told me." ummmm, yes they did...they told you yesterday. So he then proceeds to ask when we're leaving and if it could be tomorrow. Nope, sorry. We're staying till Sunday. ... sigh
My grandma then walks in the room and at first thinks I'm one of my aunt's daughters and starts to call me Terra, but catches herself and realizes who I am and begins to tell me how pretty I am and gives me hugs :D
It's just been a very long and crazy day. My aunt and I are staying in a local hotel so I'm glad to have a nice bed, where I can snuggle under the covers and prolly quietly cry myself to sleep.
Tomorrow I hope to get a run in, as I have to do our magic mile test to see if I can decrease my minute mile time. The running is going to welcomed and needed.
I best get to sleep now. Need as much rest as I can get! Night!

Road trip!

alright...as very few of you know, I'm going to see my mom, grandparents, uncle and aunt in Southern Oregon this weekend for Mother's Day.  I plan on keeping my blog updated with the happs from the trip, but will probably end up keeping my updates light as I try not to go into too much depth about my grandparents' condition.  My grandma has dementia and my grandpa is in the beginning stages of it.  I may get down there and they might not remember who I am.  It's happened before and it's not a very good feeling ... in fact, it sucks!

My aunt and I are driving down there this afternoon, so I can already tell it's going to be a long day.  So, I'm hoping to post again from the road and since she's driving, I'm planning on taking pics of the drive.  It's beautiful country that we will be going through.

Have a great weekend everybody!!!!

Venting ... ignore if you wish but I just have to say this

Received an email from some man claiming to be my dad.  Okay, so he may biologically be my dad, but neglecting 2 out of 3 children does not make him a father ... just an assistant to my mom to produce HER children.  So, he sent me and my eldest brother an email asking if either of us have heard from Don (the middle child in our family).  He stated that he hasn't heard from him for 48 hours.  Oh really?! So sorry your golden child has neglected to check in.  Hmmm...curious, but I would say it's been hell longer than 48 hours since you've heard from me!  I don't see you sending emails to Dave or Don asking if they've seen or heard from me!  Or even you picking up the phone and calling me!  My number has not changed in over 10 years.  Yes, I realize the phone works both ways, but you know what ... I've tried that!  I spent my 20's trying to establish some sort of father-daughter relationship with you and all it got me was heartache and more disappointment. 

And then, in late 2009 you have a heart attack and I basically stop everything to help.  To make sure you are okay and to get you to your doctors appointments.  And then the "holy boy" calls it quits on you and leaves.  You literally say to my face as I'm about to drive you to another appointment that there is no point in living if he doesn't speak to you.  WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!  Who says that to one of their children?!  Who makes a person feel like they are not worth anything to them?  No wonder I have such trouble with relationships ... look at my "role model". 

No more!  I'm done.  You do not deserve me as a daughter and I refuse to call you dad. 

Bet this won't even phase you.  Bet you'll just shrug your shoulders and when "OMG I can't live without him" son returns to you, you'll tell him about this post and not really care. 

I've been told by several people that I only have one dad and that I should mend things as he will not be around forever.  AHAHAHA...he was never around me or gave me the time of day in the first place.  To those people I say, please stop telling me this.  It's not going to change my mind and you are not going to make me feel guilty for anything. 

Farewell ... and no, I have not heard from your precious son, as he has chosen to cut me from his life quite awhile ago.

Life Changes & Race Rewards

I have decided that I'm going to once again take all sweets (candy, cookies, cake, soda, etc) out of my diet and look forward to the special rewards after my upcoming races. I haven't decided if I'll give in after any race under a half marathon, but right now here is what I have to look forward to!

Foot Traffic Half Marathon in July 2011: I will reward myself with strawberry shortcake! For one thing they are giving it for free after this half and I definitely wanna partake!

Disneyland Half Marathon in September 2011: I will reward myself with a scoop of strawberry ice cream in a waffle cone from The Gibson Girl on Main Street in Disneyland! After all, it's a must stop whenever I visit that park!

Tinkerbell Half Marathon in January 2012: I haven't decided what I want yet after this race, but I guarantee it's gonna be good and it's gonna be worth it!

Perhaps after each of the shorter races I'll stop by Dairy Queen and get a yummy dilly bar, but as I said, I haven't quite decided on that yet. Right now I'm signed up for the Friar Trot 10k on 5/21 and going to sign up for the Dove Lewis 5k on 6/12. 

So there you have it! Now I'm super excited for July to get here! I have a long way to go, and have already had to deal with the "good pain". I've been going to weekly track sessions at a local high school and they are kicking my butt, but I actually really like going! I really want to improve my time with each race, but my main goal is to lose weight and feel better about myself.

Run strong everybody!!!!

?

So, I have this question I want to ask you, but I just found the answer so I'm not going to ask you anymore. Okay.  Thanks.  Delete.

Now I have another question, but I'm not going to ask you cause you'll think I'm a stupid-head for bringing it up and then call me names and laugh at me.  So I'm going to sit here quietly in the corner and think about what I almost did.

Hmmm...I don't have any more questions at this moment, but I just love talking to you, so sorry for the interruption and the rambling.  But keep talking cause I love your smile, your voice and just hearing you breathe. 

Randomness ...

... that is all ... for now