Wouldn't want to be anywhere else...

As I type this I'm sitting in a cold hard metal folding chair in a nursing home next to Grandpa's bed and listening to his sporadic breathing. He'll take a few loud breaths and then stop for about 18 seconds (I just counted) and start back up again. Sounds boring and sad, but I don't want to be anywhere else. My grandparents have always been there for me and now it's my turn.

Grandma passed away shortly after midnight on Sunday, March 18, 2012, and when Grandpa found out he shut down. He's refused to eat or drink and now lays in a bed and we wait for him to join Grandma. She passed away while at home and surrounded by loved ones. Though Grandpa is mostly sleeping throughout the day, we don't want him to be alone. I took the train to Klamath Falls on Tuesday afternoon and have spent most of my time here sitting next to him.

Grandpa was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and has been in severe pain, but is now on round the clock care to get morphine every 2 hours and the nurses here at Plum Ridge have been awesome to keep that routine.

Today is about day 5 of him not eating or drinking. He's rapidly losing weight and as I said, now sleeps the majority of the time. Yesterday when I was here he would at least open his eyes or awaken when they changed him or gave him pain meds ... he no longer does that. I fear it won't be too much longer that he'll take his last breath.

This may seem morbid to some, but on Thursday I went with my mom, uncle and aunt to the funeral home and watched them put Grandma's body (which was in a wooden box) into the crematorium (is that what it's called?). I wasn't here when she took her last breath and I wanted to say my final goodbye. My cousin Marcia reminded me though ... it's only her body in the box, not her spirit. I was thankful I was there and the image doesn't haunt me, but comforts me in a way.

I've extended my trip here and at this point not sure when I'm going home. I've brought work with me and have gotten some of it done, but mostly sit and read. His breathing is a comfort and I'll miss it when it stops.

I appreciate all the kind messages, thoughts and prayers from everyone. It's a tough time and just when I think I can't possibly have anymore tears, new ones stream down my cheeks.

Brush myself off and start again..

Feeling like a failure tonight. I let my fear and anxiety get the best of me. sigh. I heard there was a 4 and 6 mile run at the downtown Foot Traffic store tonight an it would preview part of the route for the Rock n Roll Half Marathon. I left work a little early so I could take the light rail train and packed running clothes to change into just before leaving. I was ready and able! ...

Sadly when I got there I realized I knew no one and even though the announcement said runners AND walkers, it seemed to me that everyone would run the entire route. I'm not able to that as I need walk breaks when I run. So I stayed away from the crowd and quietly jumped back on the train and right now I'm headed back to my truck.

I feel stupid and upset at myself that I did this. Chickening out, I mean. I should've stayed and met other runners in the area. Never know who you'll meet.

I'll forgive myself at some point, but right now I'm threatening to make myself go to be with no supper! :-(

2011 Year End Review

Overall 2011 has been a pretty amazing year for me.  I would have to give it an 8.5 and here are a few reasons why .... (this list is not in any particular order...just things that came to mind)

1. I became a marathoner! October 9th I finished the Portland Marathon with a time of 6:09 and it was one of the best days of my life!

2. Joining a running group.  I've found my running family in joining the Galloway Training Program in February and soon I also joined Run Portland and attend track sessions every week.  I'm also now a Program Co-Director of the group and hope to continue doing so!

3. Attended one of my best friends' wedding and was honored to be a bridesmaid!  This was a fantastic trip to Colorado where I met up with a bunch of friends and it was one of the best trips I've ever taken!

4. My grandparents' dementia has gotten worse.  Yep, this is one of the main reasons why 2011 wasn't a perfect 10.  Both my grandpa and grandma are suffering from this cruel disease and it sucks that they no longer remember.  This also leads into ...

5. Mom moved further away.  I loved traveling to Bend to visit her, which would only take me about 2 1/2 hours to get to her place.  I completed my first race with her there in 2010.  It was a 5k over the 4th of July weekend and that was beginning of my love for running races!  Now she lives about 5 hours and I have to cross 2 passes to drive there and these can get pretty crazy in the winter.

6. Finding myself.  You might be asking, "were you lost?".  In a way, yes.  I feel that I have more self-confidence and awareness of who I am and don't want to play anymore games with people.  I did have to say "goodbye" to some people which entailed removing them from my life for good and sadly, they were family members.  Though on the plus side I also said "hello" to some people I hadn't talked to in awhile!

7. Work, work and more work.  Now you mind think this is a negative, but for me, it's not.  I love my job and even with the long hours I put in, I wouldn't trade it for anything!  I'm really thankful to have a job!  My boss treats us to a variety of perks including concerts at the zoo (saw Chris Isaak!), monthly dinner and a movie outings, and more!

8. Seeing Celine Dion and Phantom of the Opera live!  I've heard from plenty of people about their feelings about Celine Dion, but I adore her!  Her voice is simply amazing and she puts on one of the best concerts I've ever seen!  Our annual work conference was in Vegas this year and my boss got us tickets to her show along with tickets to see Phantom which was absolutely wonderful!

Races completed in 2011:
February - Princess Half Marathon and 5k in Walt Disney World, FL
May - Friar Trot 10k in Sherwood, OR
June - Run for the Love of Dove 5k in Portland, OR
July - Foot Traffic Flat Half Marathon in Sauve Island, OR
September - Disneyland Half Marathon and 5k in Disneyland, CA
October - Portland Marathon in Portland, OR and Sandy Cenntenial Hybrid Half Marathon in Sandy, OR
November - Turkey Trot 4 miler at the Oregon Zoo in Portland, OR
December - Holiday Half Marathon and First Run 5k in Portland, OR

I've already got some races on the calendar for 2012 and I'm excited to push myself to reduce my finish time!  I'm excited to see what 2012 has in store for me and hoping it will take me to new places!

"Mourning" the Marathon

Perhaps mourning is too dramatic ... sad that the race is over? Okay, that's a little better. Now you must think I'm crazy! I'm sad that a race is behind me?! Well, yeah, I am. I've gone through so many weeks of training leading up to the marathon and yet when I first started the program I wasn't even thinking of running that race. I was scheduled for some half marathons and just wanted to be ready.

But after registering for the Portland Marathon I became excited for the possibility of the completing the impossible in my mind. As it got closer the nerves built up more and overpowered the excited-ness. I had never run 26 miles in my life! I missed that week in training as my schedule got flip-flopped. The most I had done was 23...so I knew I could do that. What's another 3 you ask?...a lot actually!

People ask me how I'm feeling after the race and how it went. I actually had an awesome experience and truly loved every moment of it! Even the crazy uphill climb of the ghastly St Johns Bridge at Mile 16/17. I made this race fun for me. I had to, or else ... no, there is no else ... I went into it telling myself to stay positive and keep yourself energized. I've done the training and this was my "victory lap"!

Okay, so I'm sure you're wondering about the sadness part. Well, this "impossible" goal was met and conquered. Now what? It's like I want go back and experience that feeling of accomplishment again! What's next that will give me that same positive high that this marathon gave me? An ultra? Do I dare set myself up to train for something above 26.2 miles? Right now that's the "impossible" dream I have.

Has anybody else ever experienced this before? Am I really this odd? Crazy? Completely off my rocker?

Sigh.

I'm a marathoner!!!

Okay, seriously, if you would've told me a year ago or even the beginning this year if I ever thought I could say that, I would've laughed!  I was still hesitant running half marathons, but now enjoy those races.  I've been training since February 2011 with a local Galloway Training Program group here in Portland and met with them every Saturday running all over Portland.  And then finally it was Portland Marathon weekend.

The whole experience was amazing!  I've heard some people have had bad experiences during their first marathon and even while I was running the race someone told me that usually at Mile 20 and 21 people hit their walls and struggle to finish the last few miles.  I have gotten used to not listening to music as I run, but had my iPhone with me the whole time.  I even text a few people!  I got an update from my friend Nic after her race in Denver and I let her know my progress.  As I was running though I try to keep it entertaining and interact with the spectators and talk to some of the runners I'm near. 

Interacting with specatators ... how does one do that you may ask?  There were a couple times I would pass by lines of people standing by and cheering, so I would take a running leap in the air and they would cheer louder!  I figured that if I could do this after Mile 19, I was doing pretty good!

As I was nearing the end of the race, around Mile 24 I realized that I was going to finish in the time I had estimated ... around 6 hours.  I then thought, to just finish the race by walking the rest.  That would be the left side of my brain trying to be sneaky!  I didn't fall for it.  I kept up with my 30:30 pace and ran/walked the rest of the way and finished with a 6 hour 9 minute time!!! I was thrilled!  I of course was crying, but soon found some of my fellow Galloway runners. 

Oh, and talk about after race schwag! A medal, a finishers shirt, a running coin, a charm/pendant, a rose, a space blanket (to keep warm) and a tree seedling!  The entire race was so much fun and I'm very happy with what I've accomplished!  I may even run it again next year!

And I do feel some soreness, but after sleeping for 12 hours, I went to work today with no problems.  I had scheduled to stay home, but felt energized and kept thinking what would I do all day?  I know most people would say "relax!", but I couldn't.  I went to the office and enjoyed the day!  I even wore my race finishers shirt!

Overall this past weekend was more than I ever imagined possible!!!!

A bit late...but this songs for you

lyin' here with you so close to me
it's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe
caught up in this moment
caught up in your smile

i've never opened up to anyone
so hard to hold back when i'm holding you in my arms
we don't need to rush this
let's just take this slow

just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
just a touch in the fire burning so bright
and i don't want to mess this thing up
i don't want to push too far
just a shot in the dark that you just might
be the one i've been waiting for my whole life
so baby i'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

i know that if we give this a little time
it will only bring us closer to the love we wanna find
it's never felt so real, no it's never felt so right

so baby i'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight
no i don't want to say goodnight
i know it's time to leave, but you'll be in my dreams tonight

*some of the lyrics from Lady Antebellum's "Just a Kiss"*

Middle of the night thoughts

"I'll make sure to keep my distance. Say I love you when you're not listening." - Distance by Christina Perri

Sadness = Dreaming about you and then waking up alone.

Just tell me to go away so that I can stop thinking about you.

It's amazing how one simple beep of my cell phone can brighten my day as I see it's a note from you.
I miss you and yet I barely know you.

"I don't trust myself to be enough. To deserve you. There's nothing about me that could hold you." - Stephanie Meyer

I'll pick myself up, wipe the dirt off my hands and legs and begin again. I've done it before and survived and I'll do it again and again.

Someone call IX-I-I !!!

Have you ever wondered how you'd react in an emergency situation? Over the past few years I've realized that I stay pretty calm and actually take charge a bit. At least recently I have.

Today was one of those instances. I was walking back into the building where my work is at the same time 2 gentleman were leaving. I noticed they kept looking over there shoulder at the ground they got closer. I glanced over at what they were looking at and noticed there was a woman on the ground sprained out with her bags laying next to her. I asked the men if they had seem what happened and they indicated they had just stepped off the elevator.

I went over to the woman and stood above her saying "ma'am? ma'am?", but didn't get a response. So I crouched down and started to shake her shoulder a bit and repeated "ma'am? ma'am?" a bit louder. Finally she started to breathe heavy and I she came to. I was about to walk into the nearest office when the receptionist from that place walked out. I told her to call 911 as the lady had collapsed. While she got on the phone several other people appeared (oh and the 2 guys from before, yeah, they left right after I took charge) and they started to get her talking. I stood in the doorway while 911 was called so I could provide information as to what occurred and at the same time trying to get the fallen lady to stay down. She kept wanting to get up, but we insisted she stay where she was until the emergency crew arrived.

Thankfully we don't have to wait long as a fire station is a block from our office and there is typically an ambulance that stays close to it. They arrived in less than 5 minutes after being called and I gave them the run down on what occurred. After seeing I wasn't needed any longer and not wanting to be in the way, I made my escape.

I'm not sure what happened to the lady, and I hope she's okay. She had told us she hadn't had anything to eat in a couple days and felt lightheaded and then blacked out.

I hope emergency situations don't occur too often in my life, but it's good to know I keep my head on straight and don't panic.

on the wings of antici ...

wait for it ... PATION!!!!

I'm getting very antsy for this coming weekend. It's the 6th annual Disneyland Half Marathon and my 2nd year running it. This year my goal is to finish the race in 3 hours and receive my Coast 2 Coast medal! I'll receive that medal when I complete this race cause I also completed a race earlier this year in Walt Disney World: Princess Half Marathon!

Ok...time out...I know my last entry said I was going to do a trip report on my recent venture to Seattle with my coworkers. Well, I lied ... but not intentionally! Things just got busy with work and running that I haven't taken the time to write about it. There are pics up on my FB and Flickr account, so just look there and you'll see all the fun we had!

And ... time in! I do plan on keeping this blog updated with this weekend's festivities, though it may be short and sweet posts. There's tons to do in only a 3 day trip! See friends and family, go on at least Space Mountain (very high priority!), run a 5k, run a half marathon, have my celebratory strawberry ice cream from the Gibson Girl on Main Street in Disneyland after completing the half, and finally ... ride Space Mountain again!!!!

Better get to sleep now. Have another regular 12 hour workday tomorrow and want to get some rest.

Have I mentioned how excited I am? :-)

SPACE MOUNTAIN!!!!!!

Coming soon ... trip report

I got back home a few hours ago from an overnight trip to Seattle.  It was an all expenses paid trip with everyone at work and their significant others ... well, two of us didn't bring anyone, so there was a total of eight people.  We went to the Seattle Mariners vs Boston Red Socks game Friday night and then did a bit of shopping/exploring this morning before taking the train back home.  I'm a bit tired right now, so I'm going to crawl into bed.  But I plan on posting a more extensive report about my trip up north tomorrow.  Pictures and all!